Thursday, January 31, 2013

Pieces of me

Past one week can only be described in two words- utter stress! It was as if an invisible veil was covering my vision, my awareness. Something in me felt  so unnatural and uncomfortable- constantly. It was as if I was split into two, which were constantly wrestling. The more I wanted to get out of it, the worse it got. It starts in the mind, and slowly it filters into every level of existence. And very soon, it manifests into my speech and my being. Very soon I was a time bomb, waiting to detonate, at the slightest push of a button. Is this who I am? maybe I have not matured enough? Every doubt that existed on this planet is suddenly burying me in an avalanche of pain, regret and all those annoying emotions that make me want to cuddle up in a blanket and never get out.

I sit to meditate, knowing that this will surely work, but alas! there goes my mind into a thousand pieces again. I attempt one last time, and force myself to sit down and do my practices, just as a ritual if not anything else. 

The storm has passed. Mind is quiet. I look back and as always I cant help but smile at myself. Its the same story each time. Its the same feeling I get when I put my hand into my giant handbag, that is full of 'stuff' to fish out my keys, the few moments till I find the keys, I feel a panic of loosing it, and the more I panic, the longer I take to find them, even though I know in my heart for sure, that they're in there. Even when I finally find them (with a huge relief) I know there might be one day when I might actually loose them (I have a brilliant track record to prove it). 

But for now I have it. Its in my hands. And I can safely rest at home. I smile at how silly I can be. And how silly I will be in the future. I might turn into this time bomb again soon. Or not. 

For now, I relish this moment, where I am in peace and not in 'pieces'. Grateful to be normal again, and even laugh at myself at how comical I am at those moments. 

These moments I realize how important it is that I meditate regularly. The more I cut slack in my 'sadhana' time, the more often I get entangled. So my New Year resolution is to strengthen my daily practices. My Yoga, Kriya and meditation, giving it the honor that it deserve. Also remembering how lucky I am to be a part of that exclusive minority on this planet that can access this beautiful gift of nature that helps me handle my mind and my emotions. And my commitment to share this gift, this joy, with this planet, in this little time I have here.