Thursday, August 28, 2008

Clarity and confusion

My 23rd birthday....

There's nothing special about turning 23. It just turns out to be another day of the year.
but being the hopeless romantic that i am, i'd been waiting this day for ages, the day when i'd get to meet Guruji, and he'd totally pamper me- garlanding me, cutting my event that i'd see happening to every person for the past 3 years, making me feel insanely jealous.

That day finally arrived......and within no time, i was sitting at the satsang balancing a cake and a huge garland, and suddenly i wished the satsang would never end. Guruji sang 'Hari narayan...., and i really really wished time would just freeze. The closer i got to 'the moment' the more i wished it could be prolonged.

Then finally there i was on the stage, fighting for his attention with 15 others (i swear most had fabricated birthdays) almost like a shark attack on Him.
I remember suddenly realising that i was standing in front of him, and there is a garland on my neck, as well as my cake, cut. Time froze

It was almost as if i experienced eternity that moment. The moment he flashed an angelic smile.
That passed too.....
The following week was utter chaos and confusion in life, as if every doubt floating in the existence decided to grace my life.
And then one day, i go about doing my things, as un purposefully as ever, dangerously close to falling into the never-ending doubt pit, i get an SMS......i usually hate SMS's i think its worse than spam in certain ways, as most of the time you dont even have a choice but to open and read some really pathetic ones.

The SMS said "when you are neither confused nor clear, only then can you be the perfect instrument of the divine", sent by a close friend called Ashish.

At that moment, i remembered Guruji's angelic smile, and i realised, in that presence, neither clarity nor confusion matters. Just being. And i realised in clarity and in confusion.......there is no silence.

Its 12:30 am, on 29th august, and i am exactly 12 days late in realising Guruji's birthday gift to me. A blessing to be silent. A place where i can always go back and 'be' just by the memory of that smile, that was meant just for me. Sorta like a room of requirement ( refer to Harry Potters)

Neither being clear, nor confused.....just silent.