Thursday, January 17, 2013

A forgotten love

I promised myself a million times to make a new post, and a million times I broke it. It was like I was postponing a failure. It's what happens anyway right? I stare on a blank screen, waiting for smart, witty words to pour out magically (like it once used to), but all that happens is awkward sentences that are just trying way too hard to sound smart. Like strums that come out of an untuned guitar.

And all too soon the doubts make way. Maybe it was just a phase when I wrote well, maybe its over, maybe I should start looking at other 'things', this just isn't my 'thing' anymore. And on a computer screen, its just way easier to save (if there's anything to) and open another tab with Youtube on it.

But now, somehow, at 1 am now, I made up my mind that I will not sleep before I post. I don't care if its another failure, I don't care if I stare at this screen all night long. For once, keeping all my doubts and judgements aside, I just want to write. For I don't know what the next moment will bring, and how my mind will change its course. Just being here and now, just me and these words, like once it used to be.

All of a sudden, I feel I could just go on writing, with this reckless abandon and freedom, that I felt once long ago. I could go on writing with the feeling that I've come home at last. I could go on writing endlessly, limitlessly, as if I am reflecting a part of universe in this small me.

I look at this screen its already filled with words, and I am amazed, I can't even remember that last time I wrote this much, and so uninterruptedly without a paranoid need to edit every second word.
I write because I am happy, as an expression of my joy, sharing a little piece of me, not that after writing I become happy. I write because writing is no different from me, and its something that I can't but do. I write because when I do I am in total acceptance of me and the world around me in this unfathomable entirety. I write because probably this is my only chance to experience 'me' without a boundary before I step into the real world where I am superglued with labels and shut into a box of convenient stereotypes. 

I began with a million reasons not to write. And here I am with a billion reasons to write. As I come near to closing this post, I know that making a promise to come back here isn't going to work. Sorry to say, my mind is light years away from perfection. But all I know is that I have this one moment with me now that is perfect, and I get to keep it forever.

And then I know, that I don't get to choose these moments, these moment choose me, and if I am lucky enough to catch it, at the right time, space and state of mind, something beautiful is created. A beauty that is always there, but rarely felt. And when the moment ends, the beauty still remains and never fades away. And all that I can do is pray with all my heart that these moments choose me more often, and more then that, when they come, I am ready for it.