Seasons of me

Raindrops falling
distant winds calling
stillness haunting
with an emptiness daunting

snowflakes melting
darkness fading
morning sun rising
with colors enticing

starlight blazing
lonely clouds appraising
adventure alluring
for promises assuring

twilight drifting
lightness lifting
heaviness shifting
an evening uplifting

darkness enveloping
glazed skies hoping
silence suggesting
a time of resting

raindrops falling.........


Beginning and ending
continuos unstopping
no breaking no pausing
receiving and sending

growing maturing
secrets uncovering
new paths discovering
meaning unearthing

concepts breaking
ideas shattering
a new kinda longing
a life transforming

silence celebrating
heart rejoicing
love surrounding
a peace everlasting

Just perfect!

Whether its the pile of steadily growing mountain of to-be-ironed clothes, or the messy spice rack I've been meaning to organize since forever. Also maybe the fact that I could sell my soul to catch that 10 min-turned-half-an-hour (maybe more) extra snooze in the morning and oh wait! we have the most important event of my lifetime (more than even my wedding) to be organized by our small team of amateurs in about 45 days. With a million things on my to-do list and pending and plus a million things in my not-to-do list happening with no extra effort at all, each moment feels crazier than the next.

And added to that the complexity of everyday interactions in a in broken german, appearing normal, even when I feel not so normal inside with all these irritating things running in my head. Wait a sec...hold on....take a breath. And suddenly I feel like a witness to all these events. As if its happening to someone else. Even though I feel lost, I know its not to long before I find my way back home. Being the Alice in Wonderland, where the line between real and unreal is thin, as everything is changing, and even me, this physical self that I have will cease to exist one day. 

In nature everything is perfect. The petals of a flower, the snowflakes, and me as a creation of this very nature is also perfect. Although I continue to see imperfections all around me, a part of me is unchanged, perfect. And this is the part that I hold on to, especially when I meditate, while doing acts of service and when I take care of the world around me. And just knowing that there is and always will be this perfection in me that will never cease, I can deal with the daily imperfections of life with a smile. 

As the days draw nearer to the big day, I do feel overwhelmed by the responsibility we have taken. I have no idea how everything will be accomplished, no idea where all the skill and resources will turn up from. Just this faith as how everything happens so flawlessly in the nature, with perfect timing, on that day, it will be the same. Just Perfect. 

Pieces of me

Past one week can only be described in two words- utter stress! It was as if an invisible veil was covering my vision, my awareness. Something in me felt  so unnatural and uncomfortable- constantly. It was as if I was split into two, which were constantly wrestling. The more I wanted to get out of it, the worse it got. It starts in the mind, and slowly it filters into every level of existence. And very soon, it manifests into my speech and my being. Very soon I was a time bomb, waiting to detonate, at the slightest push of a button. Is this who I am? maybe I have not matured enough? Every doubt that existed on this planet is suddenly burying me in an avalanche of pain, regret and all those annoying emotions that make me want to cuddle up in a blanket and never get out.

I sit to meditate, knowing that this will surely work, but alas! there goes my mind into a thousand pieces again. I attempt one last time, and force myself to sit down and do my practices, just as a ritual if not anything else. 

The storm has passed. Mind is quiet. I look back and as always I cant help but smile at myself. Its the same story each time. Its the same feeling I get when I put my hand into my giant handbag, that is full of 'stuff' to fish out my keys, the few moments till I find the keys, I feel a panic of loosing it, and the more I panic, the longer I take to find them, even though I know in my heart for sure, that they're in there. Even when I finally find them (with a huge relief) I know there might be one day when I might actually loose them (I have a brilliant track record to prove it). 

But for now I have it. Its in my hands. And I can safely rest at home. I smile at how silly I can be. And how silly I will be in the future. I might turn into this time bomb again soon. Or not. 

For now, I relish this moment, where I am in peace and not in 'pieces'. Grateful to be normal again, and even laugh at myself at how comical I am at those moments. 

These moments I realize how important it is that I meditate regularly. The more I cut slack in my 'sadhana' time, the more often I get entangled. So my New Year resolution is to strengthen my daily practices. My Yoga, Kriya and meditation, giving it the honor that it deserve. Also remembering how lucky I am to be a part of that exclusive minority on this planet that can access this beautiful gift of nature that helps me handle my mind and my emotions. And my commitment to share this gift, this joy, with this planet, in this little time I have here. 

A forgotten love

I promised myself a million times to make a new post, and a million times I broke it. It was like I was postponing a failure. It's what happens anyway right? I stare on a blank screen, waiting for smart, witty words to pour out magically (like it once used to), but all that happens is awkward sentences that are just trying way too hard to sound smart. Like strums that come out of an untuned guitar.

And all too soon the doubts make way. Maybe it was just a phase when I wrote well, maybe its over, maybe I should start looking at other 'things', this just isn't my 'thing' anymore. And on a computer screen, its just way easier to save (if there's anything to) and open another tab with Youtube on it.

But now, somehow, at 1 am now, I made up my mind that I will not sleep before I post. I don't care if its another failure, I don't care if I stare at this screen all night long. For once, keeping all my doubts and judgements aside, I just want to write. For I don't know what the next moment will bring, and how my mind will change its course. Just being here and now, just me and these words, like once it used to be.

All of a sudden, I feel I could just go on writing, with this reckless abandon and freedom, that I felt once long ago. I could go on writing with the feeling that I've come home at last. I could go on writing endlessly, limitlessly, as if I am reflecting a part of universe in this small me.

I look at this screen its already filled with words, and I am amazed, I can't even remember that last time I wrote this much, and so uninterruptedly without a paranoid need to edit every second word.
I write because I am happy, as an expression of my joy, sharing a little piece of me, not that after writing I become happy. I write because writing is no different from me, and its something that I can't but do. I write because when I do I am in total acceptance of me and the world around me in this unfathomable entirety. I write because probably this is my only chance to experience 'me' without a boundary before I step into the real world where I am superglued with labels and shut into a box of convenient stereotypes. 

I began with a million reasons not to write. And here I am with a billion reasons to write. As I come near to closing this post, I know that making a promise to come back here isn't going to work. Sorry to say, my mind is light years away from perfection. But all I know is that I have this one moment with me now that is perfect, and I get to keep it forever.

And then I know, that I don't get to choose these moments, these moment choose me, and if I am lucky enough to catch it, at the right time, space and state of mind, something beautiful is created. A beauty that is always there, but rarely felt. And when the moment ends, the beauty still remains and never fades away. And all that I can do is pray with all my heart that these moments choose me more often, and more then that, when they come, I am ready for it.

New year, new reflections....

Now that I am back home in Deutschland, in the midst of freezing winter, snow et all, its time again to reflect back the past few months, after all that chaos of loosing my passport, getting new visa etc. Here are some of the lessons I learnt.

When things go wrong there is always a reason, except when you were being plain 'Stupid'.

Life always makes you wait, and wait, and wait....till you dont want it anymore, and the moment that happens, life says, ' OK here you go, you can have it after all'.

Calmness in the midst of chaos is a sign of evolution and maturity (which I am yet to attain)

If you have a thousand things in your head, its just that!

unless you do something about it

No matter how much you run away from something, its gonna come right to your face and say 'BOO', so face it!

When you know its gonna turn out bad, just walk away....its not too late!

NEVER say what you think, think what you're gonna say (and do what you want!)

Nobody remembers 'Kolavari di' a month or two later.

Before you die, do something (preferably nice) you would want to remember in your last moments, and do something they would remember after you are gone.

Its not a big deal to be famous, its a big deal to be humble and down to earth.

No matter how much you love someone, you will always love yourself more.

If its breakable, then better to destroy and build a new one, brick by brick that will last forever.

Its better to be brilliant at one thing than OK at many things.

When you die one day, none of all this is gonna matter anyway....so chill, and yeah, take care of our planet (including being a vegetarian)...that will really matter.

Well apparently my brain is not as frozen as the weather outside (-20 degrees) so feels great to be blogging again. So reflection time over, its time to start planning ahead.

Ciao!

Without you I am lost...German poem

Okay so this is my fist attempt in writing a German poem, the words in it are also the sum total of my measly A2 level vocab in German, if there are any grammatical mistakes, blame google translate, its German grammar sucks!

ohne dich, bin ich verloren

kann ich nicht ,ganz gut sehen und horen

ohne dich bin ich niemand und nicht

alles ich kenne, ist du bist

Ohne dich mein leben ist verpasst

uber diese, keine ahnung du hast

aber bin ich nicht ohne dich

du bist uberall, sicher sich

alle ich sehe, alle ich mache

alle ich denke, ist uber du bist

manchmal habe ich angst

manchmal bin ich nicht sicher

weil ich dich vermisse

und ich fuhle mich allein

Dann habe ich zu viel fragen

aber kein antwort, ya oder nein

Und dann habe ich realisiert

du bist mein lebens kriesvekher

alle antwort habe ich gefunden

dass ohne dich, bin ich verloren

Ayurveda, life and lessons learnt!

It came prettyly masked in a vodka shot glass, and looked no less than an expensive wine. it cant be so bad...so I boldly took a long gulp, and suddenly I felt a horrid explosion on my senses, I could feel each cell of my body loudly revolting....my tastebuds wished they would die rather than suffer such inexplicable torture, and it wasnt long before I felt I would either pass out (I was already seeing stars) or puke out the everything (including the organs) that existed below my throat!

Life was going just fine, my long vacation in India had just begun, and then out of nowhere I suddenly loose a lot of money and my passport...added to that I had an ayurvedic treatment pending. Amidst all this confusion and a ton of paperwork to do (the worst thing that can happen on a vacation) three days ago, I was put between four walls, given a glassfull of the most distasteful ghee to quaff (part of my treatment).

Life was going just fine right...and then how come all of a sudden its nothing but chaos. And why did I ever agree to have this treatment, its not like I was sick or anything. At the most I pictured having exotic massages and sipping delicious herbal tea.

Then here I am three days into my treatment, my passport and other paperwork steadily growing into a mountain, my digestive system even more screwed than before and my mind, a raging furnace, with my family being the poor victims of my unpredictable outbursts (no wonder I cannot be unleashed to the unsuspecting public)

Its one of those moments in my life when everything I touch (smell, taste, breathe,speak) is destruction, one of those moments when I wonder how 'I' of all people who meditates everyday, is a good person (at least 99%...ok 95%) cares about people and the world, could end up in such a self created MESS! Its one of those moments when I just want to disappear into anonymity.

One of those moments when I feel all the bad karma I accumulated over all my past 86,000 lifetimes has just caught up with me.

As I ponder on all this...a certain lightness envelopes me, suddenly all those thoughts in my mind that are pulling me apart in thousand different pieces disappear and I realize, that this is not the first time I have been in a situation like this, the events may be different though.

Like the time I had no place to stay while in an internship in Mumbai, or missing the train to the most important event in my life. The same panic that gripped my heart each time with an intensity of 'its all over'.

And now this lightness feels like nothing but a play of mind, without which I would have nothing to learn from, nothing to share about, and no stories to tell.

Those moments in my life are like the bitter Ayurvedic ghee that I am forced to intake, whether I digest peacefully or with a tantrum and fight...its really my choice.

One thing is for sure, I always end up feeling light and cleansed after digesting it, if I take it in the right way.