Ayurveda, life and lessons learnt!

It came prettyly masked in a vodka shot glass, and looked no less than an expensive wine. it cant be so bad...so I boldly took a long gulp, and suddenly I felt a horrid explosion on my senses, I could feel each cell of my body loudly revolting....my tastebuds wished they would die rather than suffer such inexplicable torture, and it wasnt long before I felt I would either pass out (I was already seeing stars) or puke out the everything (including the organs) that existed below my throat!

Life was going just fine, my long vacation in India had just begun, and then out of nowhere I suddenly loose a lot of money and my passport...added to that I had an ayurvedic treatment pending. Amidst all this confusion and a ton of paperwork to do (the worst thing that can happen on a vacation) three days ago, I was put between four walls, given a glassfull of the most distasteful ghee to quaff (part of my treatment).

Life was going just fine right...and then how come all of a sudden its nothing but chaos. And why did I ever agree to have this treatment, its not like I was sick or anything. At the most I pictured having exotic massages and sipping delicious herbal tea.

Then here I am three days into my treatment, my passport and other paperwork steadily growing into a mountain, my digestive system even more screwed than before and my mind, a raging furnace, with my family being the poor victims of my unpredictable outbursts (no wonder I cannot be unleashed to the unsuspecting public)

Its one of those moments in my life when everything I touch (smell, taste, breathe,speak) is destruction, one of those moments when I wonder how 'I' of all people who meditates everyday, is a good person (at least 99%...ok 95%) cares about people and the world, could end up in such a self created MESS! Its one of those moments when I just want to disappear into anonymity.

One of those moments when I feel all the bad karma I accumulated over all my past 86,000 lifetimes has just caught up with me.

As I ponder on all this...a certain lightness envelopes me, suddenly all those thoughts in my mind that are pulling me apart in thousand different pieces disappear and I realize, that this is not the first time I have been in a situation like this, the events may be different though.

Like the time I had no place to stay while in an internship in Mumbai, or missing the train to the most important event in my life. The same panic that gripped my heart each time with an intensity of 'its all over'.

And now this lightness feels like nothing but a play of mind, without which I would have nothing to learn from, nothing to share about, and no stories to tell.

Those moments in my life are like the bitter Ayurvedic ghee that I am forced to intake, whether I digest peacefully or with a tantrum and fight...its really my choice.

One thing is for sure, I always end up feeling light and cleansed after digesting it, if I take it in the right way.

What a wonder!

Ashtavakra Gita is profound but little known knowledge given to King Janaka 7000 years ago by sage Ashtavakra. This discourse is being given by His Holiness Sri Sri Ravi Shanker in Bangalore Art of living Centre

Its 7 30 pm, and for the past almost one month, Guruji's Ashtavakra discourse has been raining on my mind, this time, every evening. The yagnashala fills up, the satsang starts. He walks in unassumingly. Closes his eyes and slips into meditation. You don't know when the songs stop.

But suddenly there is silence. A poetry of Ashtavakra is read by a lady in an intense pure poetic Hindi, ending with 'Aashcharya hai, aashcharya hai' (what a wonder, what a wonder).

And then he starts. Sometimes its with a slokas, sometimes its with a random question through which he leads into the depth of profound knowledge, filled with funny anecdotes, Mullah Nasiruddin stories (audience's favorites) and witty punchline in a near flawless Hindi.

Amazingly that day's knowledge feels as though its exactly what you've experienced, and filters through you on an existential level.

The night closes sometimes the knowledge echoes in your mind, but more often, you're just blank. Probably as blank as king Janaka in bliss and wonderment through the very presence of Ashtavakra.

Well if you're not fortunate enough to be a part of this phenomenon, the discourse will be available in DVD's soon (highly edited form though), also very cool tweets are sent by Bau every day.

The spider, the cobra and the elephant

Gopurum The of Srikalahasti Temple


Okay, I like totally agree with the fact that I did go into a period of dormancy, a time where no matter how hard I tried, and how many hours I spend (which I must confess that I didn't) I couldn't whip out anything even halfway publishable (I have high standards)

But now I feel this new surge of freshness and energy, and I guess I could be pretty much back in form. But then that can only be judged at the end of this post.

So as much as my Husband Kaushik would like to hear that this renewed freshness is due to his return from Germany, after more than two months......there is more to it.

The reason is our trip to Srikalahasti Temple. Our agenda at the temple was to perform the famous 'Rahu-Ketu' puja to pacify the planets. The temple is situated in a picturesque village about 20 Km from Tirupati.

It is one of the panchabhoota sthalam - representing five basic elements. This is the Vayu Sthalam among the Pancha Bootha Sthalams representing Air. The others are - Tiruvannamalai (Thejo sthalam - Fire) Kanchipuram (Prithvi sthalam - Earth) Tiruvanaikaval (Appu sthalam - Water) Chidambaram (Akasa sthalam - Space).

Legend has it that Lord Shiva disguised as Vayu (Air) observed that The Spider (SRI), Cobra (KALA) and Elephant (HASTI) worshipped Him very devotedly. So Lord Shiva made them to relieve from the curse and attain salvation, hence this place is called Srikalahasti.

We left from Tirupati at 6 am, where Krishna (my brother) joined us from Chennai, and as a cool party of four (including husband and mother in law) we boarded the bus to the temple. The temple seemed to be drenched in a divine energy that was so calming and refreshing. The hot weather was assuaged by the cool interiors of the temple which had more than a hundred pillars.

By the time we left Kalahasti, the sun was blazing so we hurried back to Tirupati wondering why the spider, cobra and the elephant were cursed in the first place.

Kaushik and Krishna at hotel Sarvana Bhavan

Rest with feelings

The Art of Living Ashram is teaming with splendor of Navaratri.

Gurudev broke his silence today, with the message, 'rest with feelings'.

This poem is inspired by him.

In thick of celebrations

all around

from depth of silence

not a sound

the message was loud and clear

rest with feelings my dear

You have come after a struggle

so long so hard

you were broken into pieces

into shards

now its over, I am near

rest with feeling my dear

Wake up to the beauty

all vibrant and fresh

from the illusion of chaos

delusion of mess

perfect as a juicy ripe pear

when you have rested

with feelings my dear

And now the sky's so blue

without a cloud

every thought can be heard out

aloud

dont doubt, all pain ends here

just rest with feelings my dear

Rest with feelings

Life's no longer an

unfulfilled dream

Rest with feelings

as sweet as cherries

as light as cream

A love so deep, cant help

but shed drops of tear

rest in bliss with feelings

my dear.

Ephemeral Flower

Dear all,

As you can see, my blog has undergone a total makeover, its the same old me, just a new look.

I think all of us need to infuse some newness in life every once in a while, just like nature does, its ancient, but evergreen, ever vibrant and ever fresh. I hope to do the same with my writing, consequently have it trickling down in life as well, with an experience of a new life with every breadth, and in this case, with every word I type and every click.

Yours comments, criticism and feedback mean a lot to me. So keep them coming. Also tell me what you'd like to read and what you'd not.

Lots of love

Ephemeral Flower

Beyond words

Here's the problem I face. I write for a living, and when this is all you do, day after day, any extra writing, starts feeling like a pain. In circumstances such as these I have realised one thing that makes every piece of writing memorable. The integrity in it. Writing for a newspaper, I pretty much don't have a choice on what to write. And over a period of time, writing starts feeling artificial, as if they are just a lifeless string of words, meant to be forgotten in a nano second. But writing can be alive, it can be vibrant, and it captures in them, the very essence of who you are.

So the best pieces of writing reflect your image like a mirror. By ‘your’ I don't mean the writes’s but every person who reads that it. The words start becoming a part of you, as though it was echoing your own thoughts. And for the writer, its a spiritual experience, like art, it manifests itself out of thin air and acquires a personality of its own. Then you read back your own words and go ‘I cant believe I wrote that!’.

But when you write for a living, these moments are so rare, that you almost fight for it...and then when you let go, it magically reappears. As vibrant, as alive as ever. Waiting to be written. In such times there is really no difference between the writer and the pen or keyboard in this case, as both are mere instruments, that allow higher experiences and knowledge to flow though them. In fact there is really no difference between the writer, the pen, the words and the reader.

Its not a problem anymore, so what if I write for a living, so what if i do this day after day. So what! Its all the same anyway. The writer, the pen, the words and the reader.

And as a writer its not what I write that counts. But the experience in itself. I don't write 'for a living', but I write 'living'.

Saluting the sun

I woke up with bright sunshine hitting my face, The first thing I do, is Surya namaskars. 20 minutes later, I lie down in shavasan, relishing the execise with every pore of my being. I recall how I grew to love these set of asanas, so much so, that I teach it to youth at the Art of living YES!+ workshop.

My first experience of Surya namaskars was when I did the Art of Living course as an 18 year old. Back then yoga sounded like an utterly outlandish concept, where people twisted themselves into weird positions, and then don’t know that to do.

But doing Surya namaskar was fun, as it was more like an exotic choreography. And surprisingly after 15 rounds in 10 minutes I felt amazingly exercised and energised. Its a set of these 12 yogasanas, that give complete exercise to you mind, body and spirit. Not only is it a great way to be in shape, but it gives complete rest to your body. Doing Surya namaskars's fast rounds makes you shed extra flab, and doing it slowly is very meditative and increases your stamina.The best part about it is that you do these asanas in co-ordination with your breadth, which very rejuvenating. It is best done facing the east in the morning and west in the evening, preferably with a light stomach and before the practice of pranayam and meditation.

There is a story that says that before the battle of Mahabharatha, the Pandava army along with Krishna used to practice 108 Surya namaskars before going for battle for courage and stamina.It is also said that Krishna is the 'Padmanabha', means, whose navel is the size of a lotus, in the navel resides the 'Solar plexus', which is a size of a pea in a human body, with regular practice of Surya namaskar, the pea can grow into the size of a lotus. The Solar plexus strengthens the intuition or 'the gut feeling' in a human being.

20 minutes of Yoga, about 30 rounds, at 6:30 am (not being a morning person at all, its the earliest I can manage, earlier than this and I'm sleep walking) when nature is in complete harmony, its a brilliant time to do Surya namaskars. For me its more like getting in tune with the nature, which carries forward for the rest of the day, keeping me calm and centred.
No doubts about it, its my mantra to keep super fit and super cool.

Dreams come true

Alladin and the magic lamp.

I always loved Genies...it began with Alladin. Then came the classic ‘I dream of Jennie’, an English soap opera dubbed in Hindi, where a NASA space scientist stumbles into a blond Genie, and falls in love with her. Then came Christina Aguilera's ‘Genie in a bottle’...which almost qualified as a teen pop anthem in 1999.

But nothing beat ‘Alladin’, and the song ‘A whole new world’. I remember, buying Alladin stickers as a 10 year old and sticking it all over mom’s new almirah, and she spent hours cleaning it later. It was one of my favourite movies till date, and I spoiled the music tape, by playing it a million times, till I could sing all the songs backwards.

At some point or the other we’ve all been Genies to someone, and it occurred to me that Genies always seem to have more fun, even though they have restricted freedom. A Genie never wants anything for himself/herself, and never runs behind treasures, but still serves unconditionally.

And a Genie is crazy, unpredictable, funny apart from being everyone’s dream come true. So more than having a Genie, its pretty awesome to be one. Its not always easy, but worth it. Check out the song and especially the lyrics.

Here are the lyrics of 'A whole new world', do catch its video on Youtube

I can show you the world Shining, shimmering, splendid

Tell me, princess, now when did

You last let your heart decide?

I can open your eyes

Take you wonder by wonder

Over, sideways and under

On a magic carpet ride

A whole new world

A new fantastic point of view

No one to tell us no

Or where to go

Or say we're only dreaming

A whole new world

A dazzling place I never knew

But when I'm way up here

It's crystal clear

That now I'm in a whole new world with you

Unbelievable sights

Indescribable feeling

Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling

Through an endless diamond sky

A whole new world

Don't you dare close your eyes

A hundred thousand things to see

Hold your breath - it gets better

I'm like a shooting star

I've come so far

I can't go back to where I used to be

A whole new world

Every turn a surprise

With new horizons to pursue

Every moment red-letter

I'll chase them anywhere

There's time to spare

Let me share this whole new world with you

A whole new world

That's where we'll be

A thrilling chase

A wondrous place

For you and me

Drenched in Kollam

Pic Credit: Srikanth

Things haven't been easy since the first moment I’d decided to go to Kollam. But I knew with some quirk of fate (called grace) I would land up. It was exactly one year ago that I saw Mahashivratri in Surat on TV and decided, that no matter I wanted to be there next year.

So after a lot of external conflicts (Boss, parents, missing train and a bus to Kollam) a few internal conflicts (when I missed the train), we finally landed in Kollam after a bumpy 14 hour bus ride in the end corner seat, turning all my insides into marshmallow. I’d already been feeling unwell for the past week, and could predict myself getting worse, so I thought, If i’m gonna get sick and take leave anyway, I might as well get sick in Kollam.

The first thing I hear as I reach the grounds is Gurudev’s voice taking Mahakriya, and it was then that it finally sunk in! I was finally finally finally here!
During the course of the day we went to the beach, and by evening we got ready and finally made it to the venue for the finale.
The blazing sun had finally shown signs of setting in, and as the twilight rays scattered the sky, it felt as if the whole environment was Drenched in a sacrosanct energy. There was a ramp that was constructed that was almost half a kilometre long, and nine feet high, where Gurudev could walk amidst the squealing public. There were satsangs, dance performances and even a powerpoint presentation, but most were oblivious of it, slipping into meditation before event the vibrant chanting began.




The next thing I know is that everyone around me standing on the chairs to get a glimpse of Gurudev walking on the ramp, in utter love and bliss. I have seen Guruji so many times, in so many satsangs over the past five years, but seeing him in this form, was like seeing him for the first time, like seeing pure unadulterated, uncensored divinity, that can knock out anything that has even an iota of life.

Then it was over in a blink of an eye, and here I am back at my office desk, typing out my experience in the hope of reliving even one moment of that.

And not for the first time, I realise how inadequate words can be when it comes to narrating some experiences.

Being centered

I am going through one of those 'god-why-do-I-exist' phases again! Imagine a day like this
I wake up late (already a bad sign), take an auto to office,
then I realise I forgot my
wallet at home. Thankfully the auto guy is nice enough to accept the fare next day, so takes my phone number.
Get to work. Make stupid mistakes, and was threatened to get fired 3 times. Finally I get chucked out of making the pages (I work for a newspaper). And at this point I just observe how I feel. Things going wrong is not really big deal for me, by now, I am a self confessed expert at it. But then inevitably I always go into 'this-always-happens-to-me', or 'everyone's-here-to-give-me-a-hard-time' mode.
But today, as my boss screamed on top of her voice so that the whole office could hear how badly I screwed up, I could just detach myself and watch what was happening and just smile (internally).
And a strange calmness enveloped me. And then I felt just empty, blank.

And then a realisation of how impermanent each situation is hits me. And how empty they feel as they fade away in the magnitude of time. And every time I get back to this emptiness, I get in touch with truth. As I walk back from work to home, in the busy MG road every single day, I feel, I am at the centre, and events, happenings, emotions..are all revolving around me. While I remain rooted, untouched yet ephemeral.

Tender lovin care

The shop and restaurant windows are full of pink and red heart shaped balloons, the Brigade road it is swarming with couple holding hands.
On one hand we have Muthalik's army, Ram sena, crusading against a cause that is so a non-issue, and on the other hand we have these people (those against Ram sena) making an issue out a non-issue of a non-issue. The amount of debate that this has sparked off in Bangalore, is ridicules. I mean doesn't nation of 1.5 billion have better things to talk about. If couples want to hold hands, let them, and if Muthalik has made some retarded proclamations, let him. Seriously we have better things to worry about. Like:

1) Global warming- Apart from the fact that it has been reduced into a glamorous word in the vocabulary of beauty pageant contestants, It is a REAL PROBLEM. And oh we didn't do much, by being a Non Vegetarian, we only contribute towards 27% of global warming.

2) National Security- Right around the time last year when the media warped up the inconsequential 'Arushi murder case', India was invaded by China three times!

3)Naxalism-is the single biggest challenge that India faces in the next decade. The communist rule is weakening India internally by funding naxalites, and externally through maoist attacks from across the borders. In poor villages in India, especially the UP-north east belt, the naxalism is so rampant, that children of impoverished villages aspire to be naxalites in order to combat extreme poverty.

4)Politics- Our country is being run by a bunch of senile freaks, who still follow the legacy left by British- divide and rule in order to win vote banks. How can you blame them, the young educated population of India, is too busy to vote (myself included) but not to busy to complain.

5)Education system-Its about time we read 'real history' of India in our text-books, rather than suppressing our true history, where stuff like Jaliawala Bagh murder just gets a two line mention.

6) Terrorism- The basic intolerance for other religious and cultural ideologies, and this could include something as stupid as the Ram sena attacks. In the name of preservation of cultural heritage, gross violation of human rights and human values are being committed.

So its my sincere request for the youth of this nation to get into some action. Our country, our world, our environment is crying out for some love and affection. And if we focus our energies there instead of retarded (non)issues created by sensationalist media (I know I am a part of it),
This Blog has been inspired by Bawa's blog, on how, its out Nation that needs utmost TLC.
Here are some of the ways to get started

1. Attend the YES!+ workshop (contact me for details)
2. Register at http://www.jaagore.com/, to Vote
3. Read up on real Indian history on Francios's website
4. Become a vegetarian (no arguments, just do your research)

Now that's not a bad start, if you've checked the above on your to do list, its time to get others on the bandwagon. Else trust me, you'll be stuck behind a seedy screen your whole life, with your only significant contribution after reading this blog being increasing the traffic rate on google.

Ayurvedic concepts

Its about 7 am in the morning, still unearthly in madhuriland......but I just cant resist posting!

have been pretty sick past few days, with my respiratory and digestive system screwed up (cold and stomach ache), have been taking ayurvedic treatments, these weird green gooey pastes, and am not sure if I am getting better because of the medicine or because my body is stunned by the shock treatment subjected due to the disgusting taste.

My eating habits sure have taken a toll this past month, not that it was ever brilliant. So I get to swallow ayurvedic preparation specifically tailor made so that you wont ever fall into trap of eating for 'taste'.

And I have ashram kitchen food to top off the effect, thank god for small mercies like 'canteen'.

On my check list of not to eat these were the things included by my ayurveda doc

Ice creams

chocolates

sweets

milk products

Fried stuff

I just cant bear to go on as I am on the verge of nervous breakdown!

I mean how cruel is this!

So yesterday my mom came back from Bihar, after a month, and brought specialty besen ke laddu, and I could not make her feel bad by refusing....then there were Tirupati prasadam (of course prasad is not counted as calories), and Lindt-Lindor, which Sampath got from half way around the world. And I haven't even met Goli, who's got Belgian choco's from Brussels.....

Wow..its a wonder that my digestive system hasn't collapsed. Guess that gooey ayurvedic paste actually works, even though it makes you wish you never had taste buds.

I am now a totally fan of ayurveda, next time I might actually try them with the diet restrictions.

PS: According to Ayurveda, you need to fallow a healthy daily routine called 'dinacharya' and the fact that i'm up so early and ready for meditation shows that I am on the right track to ayurvedic enlightenment!

Utsav fever

Its less than a week to go and I am already feeling the heebee jeebies!
I mean just yesterday it was like a month ago and we just started working for UTSAV.
And now, the stage is almost set, the drums rolling!

For the past two weeks, a flurry of activity has overtaken the volunteers, and we cant think a thing past registrations and intro talks.
5 more days to be precise! Whoa!

One piece of knowledge I heard recently which made enormous sense

The two ingredients that help us evolve is Authenticity and Intensity.

Be very authentic in what ever you do, in your sincerity, for a cause,

to serve a higher purpose. And be intense, in you action, expression, emotions, feeling. That's what takes you back home, and brings you in touch with yourself, and you feel connected. Either laugh or cry, no in betweens. Also be intense, not extreme. Be normal, balanced on the outside, and intense within.

An Utsav has been an exercise in Intensity. Intense joy, intense frustration, intense love.
And its for a cause much much bigger that I could have ever fathomed.
Absolutely authentic

That's what Utsav is....Intensely authentic

Clarity and confusion

My 23rd birthday....

There's nothing special about turning 23. It just turns out to be another day of the year.
but being the hopeless romantic that i am, i'd been waiting this day for ages, the day when i'd get to meet Guruji, and he'd totally pamper me- garlanding me, cutting my cake......an event that i'd see happening to every person for the past 3 years, making me feel insanely jealous.

That day finally arrived......and within no time, i was sitting at the satsang balancing a cake and a huge garland, and suddenly i wished the satsang would never end. Guruji sang 'Hari narayan...., and i really really wished time would just freeze. The closer i got to 'the moment' the more i wished it could be prolonged.

Then finally there i was on the stage, fighting for his attention with 15 others (i swear most had fabricated birthdays) almost like a shark attack on Him.
I remember suddenly realising that i was standing in front of him, and there is a garland on my neck, as well as my cake, cut. Time froze

It was almost as if i experienced eternity that moment. The moment he flashed an angelic smile.
That passed too.....
The following week was utter chaos and confusion in life, as if every doubt floating in the existence decided to grace my life.
And then one day, i go about doing my things, as un purposefully as ever, dangerously close to falling into the never-ending doubt pit, i get an SMS......i usually hate SMS's i think its worse than spam in certain ways, as most of the time you dont even have a choice but to open and read some really pathetic ones.

The SMS said "when you are neither confused nor clear, only then can you be the perfect instrument of the divine", sent by a close friend called Ashish.

At that moment, i remembered Guruji's angelic smile, and i realised, in that presence, neither clarity nor confusion matters. Just being. And i realised in clarity and in confusion.......there is no silence.

Its 12:30 am, on 29th august, and i am exactly 12 days late in realising Guruji's birthday gift to me. A blessing to be silent. A place where i can always go back and 'be' just by the memory of that smile, that was meant just for me. Sorta like a room of requirement ( refer to Harry Potters)

Neither being clear, nor confused.....just silent.

hmm today right this moment infact...thats 11:11 am, 22 april 2008, i write as a whole new person.
A person who
is beginning to understand how un-understandable life is
knows life isnt even 1% of what i see or experience
realises the fact that great things happen which greatest ease
knows challenges and tough times are a good sign, it means, you are qualifying for the next level
knows that if i dont care, i might as well be a bean bag, moulded into different shapes by ppl who sit on them.
realises life is about intensity
heart commands, mind demands - and u gotta figure out whats integrity in between them....


okay getting late for an edit meet, got lots more to rant on.. c ya

beauty and intensity

The more intense something is, the more side effects it has.

Take love for example, its so beautiful, bliss full, etc etc.....but with all that we get a free ticket of
pain, anger, jealousy etc etc.
That's why its so important to keep the purity and the sacredness intact.
it captures the feeling of falling in love for the first time eternally. An ancient scripture says truth is that which is eternal and eternal is that which is always beautiful....untouched by time or age
Satyam Shivam Sundaram.

Anyway enough of gyan stuff, went today for a fondue fest at taj.....it was this weird cheese thingy cooked in disgustingly nauseous alcohol...sooo like tamasic!
....bad stuff doesn't last anyway. funny we spend most of our time thinking about it.

PS: have been tuning into radio v often.

me again!

I knew i would fall prey to discontinuity monster....and i have!
Lots has happened between now and earlier, made a fly by visit to b'lore, and had a gr8 family reunion.
Life's changed so much! Two years back i was living with my family, and all i would do is fight with them, and now when they're not here i miss em so much....and mostly i miss those years i lost taking them for granted due to my self centered rebelliousness. That's a big lesson for me! if you take for granted what you have, it will eventually be taken away from you.
My bro's down there doing an Advance course, and what i wouldn't do to be in his shoes.


And oh, we finished one series of Ashtavakra Geeta discourse this week: it was mind blowing, i wanna keep repeating it as long as i live.

That's everything

Since i have nothing to talk about today (unless you want another crib session), lets talk about nothing!

................coz that's what am left with everyday when my head hits the pillow.

What makes me special

28 February 2008

It’s the knowledge that makes all the difference; today what I read especially touched me

‘Are you special or ordinary?
What makes you special on the path? (Everyone is silent) Your perception, observation, and expression have advanced. What makes you ordinary on the path is that you are special! (Laughter) . . . . Because everybody thinks they are very special in some way or another! Your perception has improved. You see the cause behind every cause, the Divine, and you see the great plan behind every small plan. You don't see the intentions behind other’s mistakes and you are not a doubting Thomas.

Was just another boring day at work, nothing significant, and I wondered if there was anything to look forward at all. Was supposed to go visit mom and dad in ashram, but had to cancel it due to Bhasker’s wedding next Sunday. And now here I am at my desk feeling low.
But I’ve learnt how to take all these feelings and emotions lightly, as ‘they all rise and dissolve in the self due to our very nature’ (ashtavakra gita). And that’s why I can still smile even though I feel like bursting into tears. Life just feels so surreal at times, I mean am in a prolonged state of ‘hah! Big deal…’ like nothing surprises me or excites me or…I don’t know, I’d love sound glamourous by calling myself vairagi. But I know that I am far from that, I’d probably sell my soul for a hot chocolate fudge right now.