I T Girl

So this post has been long time coming, just that I didn't really want to. So most of you know that I had a flourishing career as a journalist in India, more than a decade ago, and then I moved to Germany. And that was THE END of what I always though I would do for the rest of my LIFE.

Okay so once the shock settled in that I can't be a journalist no more (I clearly hadn't thought this through when I got married and got swept into the romance of moving and exploring a new country)

And then 2 years later, I do a training in SAP and luckily land an internship in the same field. By now having not worked for almost 3 years, I was just kicked about going out each day and say that I finally could work!!!!
I obviously didn't think this through either, would I be any good at IT work (wasn't half bad), would it be something that I enjoyed (again not half bad).

But did I love waking up everyday and having a purpose! YES!
did I love getting dressed up as a consultant (fake it till you make it) everyday; HELL YES!
And more than that, even though I constantly crib about the struggle, the travel, the terrible German food in the canteen...I am more grateful than ever.

To be independent, to have interaction with international colleagues, to contribute, even though I might not be the best in my field.

Once upon a time, I was a journalist, on my way to be the best.
But now, being in the IT field, I know I will probably never be the best, and the struggle will always be there. But at the end of the day, its the struggles that make me who I am.

guru-n-stuff-n-stories-II

This post is a followup on the post I made almost 10 years ago


https://ephemeralflower.blogspot.com/2010/05/guru-n-stuff-n-stories.html


I recently read through my blog which I now have more than 12 years (not all of them active, which I am planning to change currently) One of my most memorable post was this one. It was one of those golden times that are so hard to come by these days, when words just gush out of you so effortlessly as though waiting to be freed and flowing into poetry of perfection. I wouldn't add or change a single word more even I wanted.


12 years ago, I was a beginner on this path,
I hardly knew what it means to have a Guru, (not that I know now)
I was a simple child of 20-21
I had no idea I would grow so much in this path,
one day teach his courses in different parts of the world

12 year later, here I am still no more than a beginner,
no more closer to enlightenment
but still....

Being on this journey,
walking on this path
going through the ups and downs
The highest high and the lowest lows

Taking giant leaps, just to slide backwards.
A little more grownup,
a little more child-like
a bit wiser, and a whole lot more stronger

All in all, having found my life purpose
to follow my Guru to the end of the world.

Its not the goal, but this path with all its intensity and craziness.

Intuition

Last year, I was blessed to teach a very path breaking Intuition Process Program, and ever since my life changed. I cannot put in words what happens every time I am a witness to this miracle, but only a poem flows from my heart.

No matter what struggle I go through in life, I know that there is a guiding force within me, that will never let me down. I wish I had this gift as a teen or a child. But nevertheless, having it known now makes me bow down with gratitude again and again.


Intuition

Hello, I've known you before
a deep feeling which I was
so sure

Nostalgic as it seemed
came out of nowhere
not something I dreamed

I've heard you before
coming knocking at my door
wish I trusted myself
to listen to that heartbeat
in my every cell

Scared to befriend you
you knew me far too well
all my secrets,
stories, I would rather not dwell

I gave you up
without a single fight
denying your existence
with all my might.

And yet, you remained
as a silent ally
guiding me through life's
mountains and valley.

And then one day as I closed my eyes
and reflected,
you came to me
as me

As the wind, the river and the tree.
As the only truth that was ever told
A sight, I could hardly behold

Hello, I've known you before
and I know you now
you are a gift of my Guru's grace
an enigma, and a wonder 'wow'

Turning 30 and other scary things in life

A decade after sailing through your 20s, you suddenly stand at your threshold where you are undeniably a full grown adult. A checklist of activities programmed into you flashes in your mind.

And then suddenly you realize that one or two (or maybe a dozen) of them have still not been checked out. This is where you generally rewind your whole life and take a good look at all the choices you made.

Only to realize that these choices don't necessarily make you who you are. Apart from all these things, you are an individual. The way things have turned out in life, part destiny, part free will need not define the way you live in future.

Turning 30, I feel calm and confided with the way things have turned out, though not always smooth and easy, but always with a learning behind. I may not have all the things checked out by the society's stereotype on how a women should live her life, but I pretty much define life on my own term. I make my own checklist. The real freedom is the one from within.

or so I would like to....

In reality, turning 30, is daunting, brings hosts of insecurities, wishing I had more time to be young and crazy. Wishing I had better fashion sense, better career, wishing I could be a domesticated goddess as well as a successful professional and making a difference to the society all at once.

And then all I want to do is be a slobby mess, eat junk food, sleep in and wear yoga pants and flip Flops, and do Marathons on Netflix!

And then you realize that you moved half way across the world to start from the scratch, and five years down the road for expat wife, life still feels like starting from scratch over and over and over again.

In your 20's you want to conquer the world, make your dreams come true.

And then in some crazy, random way, when I unintentionally do something right, and it turns out 30's might not be such a bad idea after-all!

In another time and space

I would be yours
and you would be mine
there would be no distance
of space and time.

I can imagine and be
whatever I choose
I would be a painter and
you my muse.
To live life with all colours
and its many hues

There would be no right
there would be no wrong.
as though I was just
dancing to your song.

There would be no decisions
no choices to be made.
no mistakes and no
confessions.
no apologies, and no impressions.

In another space.
There would be no me,
there would be no you
only one, I know thats true.

Distant words

This post is dedicated to a faithful reader of my blog, who has inspired me to take up blogging again.
Sitting now to put down these words has been a hard process for me. So many doubts overtake me. Am I ever going to be able to write again, what if I have lost what I had so many years ago, What is I have forgotten how it all works......

As these crazy doubts continue to bombard me, I pluck determination to complete what I have set out to do. Right now, I just want my words to stop feeling so distant to me, and whisper a little bit of magic like it used to. The feel of my fingers racing over the keyboard, as if they had a mind of their own. To just drown into this world of words and feelings, where I was once so much at home.

I don't know if I would ever feel that again. but I pluck this courage to go where I know that I possibly will fail. where I could possibly cringe at my own written word and erase them once again as though they never existed.

These words that exist in me like a caged dove longing to be set free, like unending nights with no sign of a daylight. like a hidden spark that refuses to die out. A longing that burns inside a corner of my heart, that I choose to shut out forever.

As these uncertain words tumble out, with a fresh coating of doubt, I ponder if I should just hit the save button and tell myself again that I will come back when I "get it" again.

There was a time when I was best friends with metaphors and similes, I went to sleep dreaming of sentences and paragraphs, and waking up to a bright new slogan that would seal my creation.

But for now this is all I got, not enough, but better than nothing :)

Injury and beyond: advice to my future self

 

It happened in a blink of an eye. There I was, lying frozen and numb, on my back, on the hard ground. 

As I came back to consciousness, trying to make sense of all things around me, a dozen thoughts bounced in my head. I am so late to work! again!. My back hurts so bad, should I go back home, call in sick. I hope I'm ok, its not too serious. wow I cant move, must be serious. I call my husband who jumped into his car, still in his yoga pants and flip-flops, without a jacket on a cold day. 

And there it was, a spinal chord fracture, and two crazy months at home, mostly lying on my back with a huge metal brace around me. And now as I near the day where I get to take off the brace (3 more weeks and counting each day), I look back at this experience like a dream. Here are the lessons I learnt, which I think will be useful for other rainy days in future.

1. Break from planning. Sometimes you just need some time off from the world. And just retrieve into this world of your own. To rethink your life's objectives, and what would you do if you had a second chance to do it all differently.

2. Life can be over in a second. I remember one moment I was running to catch my train, wondering who just pinged me on whatsapp and planning my dinner menu at the same time. And the next I was unconscious for what seemed like ages. When I regained my consciousness, none of those things mattered. 

3. Feeling lucky to be alive. When I got my first X-ray report, the doctor said I was saved from a operation due to the fact that the fracture was on the other side of my spinal chord, such injuries can also leave one disabled for life.

4. Grateful to have people around you who care. I put a status on Facebook saying I had an injury and need prayers and blessing. I had more than 300 comments and many phone calls (my husband  and I connected with friends who we haven't spoken to in years). Though I was in pain and admitted in hospital, reading those messages made me feel so loved and secure. It made me realize that reaching out even through a small comment on social networking site makes a huge difference.

5. Its OK to be not OK. Sometimes we feel guilty about others taking care of us. I had to be at the mercy of my husband and friends until I could move around more. But I learned to be comfortable with that, and feeling natural in the state I was. I surrounded myself with hundreds of books (reading being the only activity I enjoyed that I could do somewhat without too much discomfort)

 

6. Stop being in a hurry. I am still working on this one. Being in a hurry is my defining character. I might as well stick up a huge placard on my forehead saying "whats next". I keep seeming to go though activities and events, sometimes just to get it over with. I would probably say stopping to smell the flowers is such a waste of time. And then, when I seemed to have nothing to do the whole day except staring at the ceiling  and dodging uncomfortable thoughts (you know the whole range of why mes, and what about mes) there probably comes a point when you tell the mind to shut up. Its probably the best advice a mind gave itself.

7. Taking care of your body and mind. The thing I missed the most was being able to do my daily practices of Yoga and meditation. Its like my anchor in this world of chaos and commotion. My quiet corner on a busy subway of life. My sanctum sanatorium of inner peace. Its where I draw all my inspiration, energy and enthusiasm from. Over the years of doing Yoga and meditation, and even teaching it, I realized that I was somewhere taking it for granted.  These days also gave me a chance to listen to talks by Sri Sri Ravi Shankar on Patanjali (the founder of Yoga) Yoga sutras and to build back the same honor and reverence I had when I started.

8. Everything is changing. Now that I am stronger (not yet strong enough to do Yoga though) It feels magical to be able to move better. To turn and to not feel any pain. To sit for longer without discomfort. And to travel to work everyday (with a bit of discomfort). And I know this will also change. But amidst all this, holding on to the one thing that does not change (the precious one that meet it in my meditation everyday) is my real key to happiness. 

I think I have enough advice here for my future self. Maybe I will even come back and add to it when I have something new.